Heather had two tragic miscarriages and stopped trusting her body

Heather: I think I’ve always known that I wanted children. I think it’s always been something that I’ve just assumed would happen. It had been a conversation, you know when are we going to start trying? I think I’d been leading it you know? Because I’d wanted it so much and it happened so quickly, I had that fear in my head that you know, what if, something happens.

At about seven weeks those pregnancy symptoms that I’d had just disappeared and I thought ooh, what’s happening? So, I rang the doctors, got referred to the hospital. “Have a look at the screen” she went, “This is your womb” and I said “There’s nothing there” and even now it’s just a sadness, I still feel that, looking and saying “There’s nothing there”.

Because I immediately felt like it was my fault. And I remember coming home and ringing my mum and saying “It’s gone, I’m so sorry”. The story sort of got a bit worse after that.

Over the next three months I continued to bleed. Really heavily. And then eventually I said look enough is enough, they’re not listening to me. So after Easter weekend, went to see an amazing gynaecologist. And she said, one examination, she’s like “You need surgery. Now!”.

After that, I needed time to process, sort of heal from it all.

So we started trying again and we got pregnant after one month this time, and I basically lived in fear because I was so worried it was going to happen again.

We were twelve weeks and I was so excited, and we started telling people because, I’m like, it’s twelve weeks, you can tell people at twelve weeks. And then I remember, I started bleeding, a few days later.

And the sonographer was very sweet and she just said “I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat”. And I said “Can you tell me how big it is?” because I felt like I needed to know when it went. And she said “It’s the size of seven weeks”. Five weeks?! Where I had felt like I was pregnant.

I got really angry with my body because I thought you’ve lied to me. You have made me feel like I’m pregnant and I’m not.

I found out that a friend of ours was having a baby. And I screamed and I shouted. And it was so unfair, I was so angry, I hate them. Everyone around me was saying “You’re not right, you’re really unhappy. You’re not yourself, we really think you ought to go and speak to somebody”. That was the point where I thought something’s not right.

By the time I was ready, emotionally felt like I was ready to start trying it was the following year. And I would always get a little twinge on my left side and I was like right, day fourteen there’s the twinge we’re good to go. And that stopped. And nothing happened for a long time. A long time. And the months came and went.

I had so many blood tests taken. They thought I was anaemic, so I went back, I wasn’t. We finally got an appointment with the fertility clinic and they basically said “Yeah, your bloods are fine. There’s nothing wrong with you”. I said “Actually, I understand what you’re saying. I see the blood tests are fine. I know something not right. I know that there’s a problem.”. Then he basically said go away and try for another six months. And I got really cross.

And I was thinking I don’t know what to do. And I had a friend of mine who had suggested I come to see you. She went “Within two minutes I was in tears and I was just pouring it all out. It was so easy to talk to her. Why don’t you give it a go?”.

You gave me breathing strategies that I could use and you taught me to let things go. I would come away from my sessions with you and I’d just say “That is the best part of my week.”.

I was thinking OK, my cycle is two days shorter. So day fourteen is no longer day fourteen. It’s day twelve. There was that twinge on the left-hand side of my body and I was like, oh my goodness, how exciting! And I thought it’s worked. This is incredible. In three months, I have gone from no signs that anything is happening to OK, it’s happening, it’s happening, and then we got pregnant.

Now the focus was not so much on getting pregnant, it was staying pregnant. You know I say there was less worry, and there was. I wasn’t as scared but I just needed the reassurance that it was still there. So we paid to have a private scan. So we did and it was there, and it was brilliant. And then I remember my mum saying “What do you want for your birthday?”. And I said I want to see my baby again!

Then we went for our twelve-week scan at the hospital and when you see that heartbeat you’re like yes, it’s there and it’s good and it’s strong. And then I think we went for another scan at fifteen weeks and I remember the woman at this private scanning place saying “Why are you here again?”. And I said “Just wanted to see it again”. And I remember at the end she said “Now go away and enjoy being pregnant!”.

It was three years from when we first started trying to when we had him. Now I look at him every day and I am just completely overwhelmed with my love for him. I feel very honoured. I feel very lucky. It is still the biggest gift to have him. I’ve said it a hundred times to a thousand different people. I honestly, genuinely, don’t think that he would be here if it weren’t for you.

So I am eternally grateful for everything that you did for me, for us, because now we have him. It’s just, it’s amazing, and I think if we ever had another one I’d come back to you again. I would scream from the rooftops that people should come and see you because I think you’re brilliant.

[Heather’s husband Rich and their baby join]

Heather: Hello. Being parents is great. It’s lovely. I’ve just had the most wonderful time with him. And he’s such good fun.

[Baby yells]

Rich: Oh, after you! I mean obviously the journey was tough. I think you naively think it’s going to fit in the diary at this point in time and we’ll get on with our lives. There was never a point at which I thought this isn’t going to happen, it’s just a case of how we need to move it forward to make it happen. Here we are.

Heather: Here we are. Aren’t we?

Baby: Yeah

Heather and Rich: Yeah!