Suzannah

I mean, I think I've always known that I wanted kids. I'm from a, I'm the only child of a single parent. And so, you know, the idea of a big family was always really appealing to me. And I met my husband when we were, well, I was a senior in college, he had just graduated, and it was one of those things that we talked about pretty early on in our relationship. So we both knew that we wanted, you know, at least one, possibly three, we'll see how it goes.

We bought a property in Vermont, when we were about 30 and 31 respectively for he and I. And as we were sort of doing these five-hour road trips from New York to Vermont on a pretty regular basis, we had this, like, big amount of time to just talk. And so I want to say between when I was around 32, we were still working on the house, and during one of those car trips, we just started like, you know, talking about timing. And so I said to him, it has been, I was like, you know, I don't think I'm quite ready just yet, you know, at 32. Cause you know, I was just hitting a really good strike in my career, and he had some goals he wanted to meet, we have this new house project and everything like that. But we said by the time I turned 33, we want to be either actively trying or pregnant. So I think that was probably in the summer, sometime, I’m a September baby, so, you know, we had that kind of thought process.

So we started trying in the fall and, you know, I had always been told from my mom that like, she had no trouble conceiving me and she had me when she was 39, so I kind of assumed the same thing would happen for me. You know, it's like genetic, or what, whatever it is. And so we started trying and about four or five months in I skipped a period, and I was like, that's it, we're done, you know, super easy, nothing to worry about. And then I took a pregnancy test, it came back negative, and so I was confused. So I immediately turned to the internet and said, is it possible to miss a period, be pregnant and, like, have a negative test? And so there was a lot of things out there like, oh yeah, absolutely super common, you know, you just have to go to the doctor, and they'll do blood tests and what, and what have you.

And so I kind of went down that road thinking, I, you know, I've never skipped a period of my life. Like this has to be it. Like, I'm just having, like, a funky reading on these tests. And so once I had gone to the doctor and she did a test and she was like, no, you're definitely not pregnant. I was, like, entirely confused, and so that sort of started a whole other health-related journey, related to, not only fertility, but just like health in general.

So I have a fantastic gynaecologist that I've had for years, and she's always, she has always been one to think outside of just like the gynaecological box, I guess. And so she said, you know, there's a number of reasons that this could be happening, you know. It could be related to a thyroid issue, It could be related to, like, you know, PCOS, it could be related to a whole bunch of different things. She was like, what I'm going to do right now, is I'm going to give you some blood tests and we'll see what kind of comes out of it. And so she tested my thyroid levels. She tested my A1C, she tested a bunch of things, and it came back that, excuse me, my thyroid levels were rather elevated. So she said, there's something happening with your thyroid, we don't know exactly what it is right, right now. She was like, I could give you medication immediately, but then you wouldn't know what was really happening. So she, like, encouraged me to go find an endocrinologist and, sorry about the dog. Sorry, give me one second. She did more testing and diagnosed me with Hashimoto's. So, there was that piece of it. So then we had an answer as to why I skipped the period, because that is pretty common with your thyroid levels being entirely elevated like that.

So once there, you know, we started medication and, you know, we're basically told it shouldn't be a problem to get pregnant with Hashimoto's, well can people do it? A close friend, actually, you know, spontaneously got pregnant. And so we kind of kept going down that road trying naturally just to see what happens. Assuming that we would, you know, eventually get pregnant naturally. So then about a year and a half into it, we realised, probably shouldn't actually be taking the song, and so we sought out like a fertility specialist in, in New York.

And so the fertility specialist, she, you know. New York health system, or the US health system is such that, like, you have to go through a few hoops to get where you, where we inevitably ended up, which is IVF. But the doctor was like, let's try, you know, let's do some blood tests. Let's, you know, get everything checked to make sure there's nothing like, you know, physically wrong. And so we did, you know, about a month, a month of testing. And I used to joke with my husband cause he was always, you know, he was kind of nonchalant about having a baby. I mean not having a baby, but sort of the fertility journey in general. Because they don't have to get the poked and prodded, and the tests, and the HSG or whatever it is, where they, you know, take the photos of your, you know, internal organs and other things like that.

So after we did that, you know, we went back and sort of looked at everything and we were diagnosed with unexplained fertility, which I think is the most common thing that people are diagnosed with. And so she suggested we try, like, a medicated cycle with Clomid, and did that a couple of times, didn't have any success with it. And then as we were kind of going through all of the blood testing she decided to check my testosterone level and realised it was a bit elevated, so she then went down the road of, well, you might also have PCOS. And doing some research on my own I found that it's actually quite commonly linked, that people who have Hashimoto's end up with PCOS or vice versa, but I’m not sure which comes first.

So it wasn't super surprising at that point to, kind of, put the dots together. And so at that point we were kind of told, you're probably not going to conceive naturally. Just because you have these two, like big issues related to. I mean, while Thyroid isn't necessarily immediately related to fertility, it does sort of affect everything else in your body. So, you end up with these two, kind of, I wouldn't say major health issues, cause they're, they're not. They're not things that are going to detrimentally affect the rest of my life, but they are very difficult for conceiving, and fertility. So specifically related to having children, these two things were coming up and they said that it's pretty unlikely that we're going to conceive naturally.

So then the idea was, okay, what do we do? I'm a planner by nature, like, that's what I do. I make lists, I plan things. And so she said to me, you know, given this. I'm unsure, that it, the, the fact that you are unable to sort of, dictate the way that your body is going to act. It might be nice for me as a planner, to get in touch with somebody like you, who had, sort of, different ways to encourage your body to do what you want it to do, or help with the fertility process, so I wasn't just sitting around and waiting. Cause that for me is incredibly frustrating. So, that’s when you and I connected and, you know, I was kind of in this we are going to a fertility doctor, trying out medicated cycles, trying out IUI, trying out different things, to see where we would end up with those sorts of minimal, minimally invasive interventions. And you know, I, I think it was aware of, I was definitely aware of the Hashimoto's diagnosis when we first started having conversations, and then I may have found out that I had PCOS while you and I were conversing. Which was again, a bit of a shock at the time. And, you know, I think, you know, being able to have someone else to talk to you about it, who not necessarily had, I mean, I don't know if you've been there personally, but you know, someone who had dealt with it with other people was kind of helpful to, you know, understand a little bit more because while the doctors that I've had so far have been very good, you know, they don't, they don't necessarily think to explain everything to you. And I think having someone like you, who was sort of very much immersed in, in that sort of what you do, was helpful to have, to have a different perspective.

It's one of those things that you're told, it's like, it's natural, you should be able to do it, no problem, people have been doing this for millennia, etc. etc. So when your body doesn't cooperate with your plans, it’s very frustrating. And I think also, too being kind of like a type, a personality that I am. I have a very, very much like a schedule of things. I was like, okay, I'm going to build my career. I'm going to get property. I'm going to get married, do this, do that. And then I'm like, okay, now it's time for a baby. And you know, when you can't just make that happen, it is very frustrating. I mean, it was, you know, I think it was helpful, like I said, to have steps to take, to try and improve my fertility. You know, also, I feel like the other part of this is it happened, like, I think, I think I might've joined the membership right after COVID started. So it was kind of a wild situation for a number of reasons. One, the fact that, you know, we were in the middle of a global pandemic, which is difficult for everybody in general, and full of stress. But the other part was that I was not, like physically separated from my husband for a chunk of that. So I couldn't actively try to conceive a child because, you know, he was in New York for part of the time, I was in Vermont the whole time. He'd obviously come up as much as possible, but his job was such that he had to be in-person there. So, you know, it was really helpful, I think, too.

While I knew that I wasn't going to necessarily, like, conceive a child during those months. I was doing things to prepare myself to do that, if that makes sense. So, you know, I ended up seeking supplements, I think with, you know, on Dee’s recommendation. Prenatal as well as, like, just fertility supplements.

I found, I was incredibly shocked, let's put it this way. How well those supplements regulated my cycle because with PCOS, obviously one of the things that you have is an irregular cycle, and personally I would go for, I mean a minim.. like, 50 days between cycles. And so it was so nice to be able to dependably get my period. Because the other frustration, the other frustrating thing with the PCOS and long cycles is that, you know, you kind of hope that you're pregnant, you know, you've, you've gone, you know, 45-50 days, and you’re like, Well, I still don't have my period, maybe that actually worked this time. And so, you know, during the months that, you know, my husband would, he would be available and come up and we would try and during the, you know, the fertile time period, it would be very frustrating, to then have to, you know, wait, take a negative pregnancy test, and go on with that cycle.

So, the fertility supplements were really helpful in that manner because while I, you know, I knew sooner that I wasn't pregnant, I also knew. You know, like the, the stress and the unsure nature of it was gone. So that was super helpful. And then in terms of just, you know, thinking about what's to eat, and thinking about how to, like how to exercise and all that kind of stuff was, was also helpful, cause you know, I mean, not only was it helpful for my fertility, I think, but also just for my mental health, during a pandemic, but was also nice to, you know, concentrate on something else other than the world outside.

So, right. Eventually, we basically realised, after doing, completed six cycles of IUI, which is a little extreme, but again insurance in the United States. So it is what it is. And, you know, the doctor telling us that we were not gonna be able to do it on our own, probably. So we said, okay, now this is, this is something that we have to do.

And, you know, a couple of things related to the IVF in the States. One is you have to, you know, be conscious of her BMI. While anyone can do it, It is a little bit more difficult if you have a BMI of over, I don't know, 35 or something like that, because there's anaesthesia that they're willing to, or not willing to give you, depending on the hospital or wherever you're having it done, which makes it very painful sometimes. And, you know, so again, I was, I was able to take some of that stuff from the membership and again, apply it to my own physical health of exercising, you know, relaxation, making sure I was getting enough sleep, you know, all that kind of stuff to help me get to a place where I was comfortable doing, you know, this pretty stressful treatment.

The extraction itself was a little tough, because I did not have the anaesthesia, which was, I mean, again, I knew that was gonna happen. But, you know, the, the process of the retrieval itself is only 10 minutes. And so, you know, I'm like, I'm probably, it's probably gonna be worse when I give birth, you know, like I can handle this for 10 minutes.

And so we did that. The retrieval was very successful. I, I had never had any issue in terms of like follicles. I was always had a lot, so, you know, that we sort of knew it was going to be okay. With, you know, talked about my doctor beforehand. So I think we got like 14, 14 follicles, out, or eggs, I guess. And then, you know, went down the line of the different stages of maturity versus, insemination versus etc, etc. So, so did that.

I was, I was actually surprised during that phase of it, I feel like, because I didn't realise how quickly, that number goes down when you, like as you go through the stages. So we ended up with 14 eggs coming out, 11 of which were mature, seven of which fertilised, six of which got to maturity, and then we decided to do, to go the route of genetic testing, because I didn't feel mentally that I can handle putting in a fol, an embryo that was not viable. I was, you know, I wanted to know that if I'm putting this embryo back into my body, that it's got a good chance.

So, I mean, again, we were lucky in the sense that we had the, the financial resources to do that, and you know, if anyone is considering IVF and has the financial resources, I would absolutely say to do it only because, like I said, it's just mental health, during this whole process, which is hard enough as it is.

In New York, there’s a collection of doctors, in any practice, and you kind of get who you get on the day that you have to come in based on your cycle. You'll probably see your doctor at some point, but it's kind of like a set of collective. So my doctor wasn't there actually for my extraction, but she said she wanted to specifically be there for my frozen embryo transfer cycle. So, went back in, you know, we were chatting, took two seconds to put the embryo in. Easiest, easy as pie. And then I came back on Halloween of all days, to get, to get it done, or to get the test, I'm sorry, to get the test done. And I got a call first thing in the morning, and I was kind of preparing myself for it to not have worked, if that makes sense. Cause I was like, if it does then great, you know, if it doesn't though, I want it to be, I want it to be ready, you know, to make sure that I could go on with the next step.

So two funny things about when I found out I was pregnant. One, it was the day before my anniversary, because our anniversary is November 2nd, so we met on November 1st, but of course, it was, of course, it was sort of caveat on it. It was like, my doctors like it's positive, but she's like, I guess the levels of hormone were so kind of low and they wanted to make sure, you know, that, that it had actually taken it, it wasn't just sort of a chemical pregnancy or something like that. And so she asked me to come in two days later to just double check, you know. She’s like, you know, she's like, I want to say yes, but, you know, you need to make sure that this is, you know, good.

So, I went back in two days later, they called me and told me a number, which didn't mean anything to me, but apparently, it was good. So, you know, we just went forward from there, but I was really nervous for the first, like 12 weeks of the pregnancy, because, you know, you hear very frequently that people especially, well, I don't, I don't know that it's especially with IVF, but it's like, you know, because you know, so early with IVF, like that, you know, there's a, there's a decent chance of miscarriage and you know, with anybody, especially as you age, and I'm 36. So it's not like I'm, you know, 22 and looking to get pregnant.

So, you know, I was, I didn't even tell him, we didn't even tell her family until like, I think 10 weeks, like it was just us, and it was kind of funny because by week like eight or so, I was like, okay, like, I feel like this is probably okay, at this point, so we started to order things and the funniest part was that the person who found out, you know, the only other person who knew at that point, ended up being my neighbour in Vermont because we had some books shipped there cause we were going to be there and she accidentally opened it and was like, oh no, taped it back up, like we wouldn't notice. And then left it on our doorstep. So it was like us at our neighbour and Vermont, which I thought was hilarious. Before any of our families or anything, anybody else. So, but yeah, it was, it was like I said, kind of nerve wrecking 12 weeks, but then once I got out of the first trimester, I was like, okay, this is like actually happening.

I felt like the first three IUI’s that I had done we're sort of like throw away ones, because what ended up happening was, I was taking the medication for the thyroid and I was also taking the Clomid, which is part of the IUI, at the same time. And thyroid medication is very, very, very finicky and if you take it with anything else, within like an hour of even eating, it's not going to absorb and it's not going to do anything for you.

So, you know, I had, I didn't know that at the time I was also taking like prenatal vitamins. So I was like throwing back pills in the morning and, you know, ended up with these really high thyroid levels that were sort of, in my opinion, you know, not helping the situation of making these IUI wise conceivable. So, you know, there was that happening, and then, you know, because IUI’s are sort of, the nature, the nature of them, which is that you have medication to help you in a cycle. And you try naturally, and then you have insemination and then you have this two week wait period. I felt like that was actually more stressful than the IVF treatment in general, because you know, you've got this excruciating 14 days of time when you're like, okay, like it's, you know, you, you, you think any possible little twinge could be, you know, it, you know, and if you have like, you know, if your stomach is bothering you one day, or like anything, you know, you think, okay, this is it. And then you get your period two weeks later. It's very, very frustrating.

So, so I feel like, especially for my mental health, those were really difficult. And actually the IVF was easier in that respect. But I think, you know, again, in sort of the same sense that we were talking about earlier is that, you know, you, when you're doing the membership and things like that, you have these other things that are not, I don't want to say they're not related to fertility because that's not true, but it doesn't feel like it's related to fertility. If that makes any sense, like you're not just concentrating on only your period, or only, you know, temperature in the morning or whatever. You're concentrating on, like, overall health, which I think is a better way to do it. Excuse me, because you end up looking at it holistically and, you know, I think that to be successful in basically anything you're doing, you kind of have to look at things holistically. And so I feel like, the, you know, preparing yourself. Not only, you know, getting your body ready, ready to have children, but like, and again, looking at your eating, looking at your, actually looking at your stress levels, looking at, you know, your sleep, looking at, you know, your body temperature over different points of the day, making sure your blood flowing properly with like acupressure or like whatever it is.

It's helpful to, to look at that holistic manner. I think it's really helpful because again, you've got different strategies that you're using, there's different ways to, there's different ways to use the membership, in my opinion, you know, you, you've got your individual sessions, your group sessions, you've got different classes and stuff like that. And if you're the kind of person that, you know, Is inclined to go down the rabbit hole on the internet, which I definitely am, to try and find answers. It's really helpful, because the other thing is that, you know, you can absolutely go on the internet and Google, whatever you want, but there's a lot of misinformation or, you know, information that is not proven, or information that is, you know, maybe, kind of, out of the realm of what actually works. That is available and is, you know, touted as you know, absolute fertility gospel. And I think that it's nice to have someone like you or Dee to, to, to kind of parse through some of the BS and help you decide what makes sense for you individually. And then, you know, in general, like what fertility things can help.

My doctor did tell me at the time, and she's like, you know, you are a really good candidate for IVF. She was like, she was like, you're just having trouble getting. Getting things to be in the right spot at the right time, essentially. She's like, she's like, because your cycle is so kind of funky and you know, all that kind of stuff. She's like, you know, you're just having the trouble of getting the sperm to the egg at the right time. She's like, so hopefully, and obviously, it worked, but hopefully, she felt pretty confident that because I didn't have additional fertility challenges on top of that, she felt that I was a very good candidate for IVF.

So, so obviously she was ready. I'm very happy about that, because again, it would have been, I mean, like I said, I was preparing myself to, to hear it, like it was a negative test result because, you know, I feel like you kind of have to prepare yourself for that. Because if you don't, you're just gonna, you know, crumble, you know, after all the, the stress and everything like that. So I was, I was very happy, and lucky to get pregnant first time. So I simultaneously feel like I've been pregnant forever and for like two seconds. Because, you know, it's 40 weeks, right. So it's a long time, it the majority of the year. And, but at the same time, like, because there's so much new stuff to think about every week or two, you know, it feels like there's a lot happening.

So like I remember going from, you know, being really nervous about telling people I was pregnant, to having to tell everybody, because not being in social settings or being in the office, no one knew because they're seeing me from like the, you know, the shoulders down, shoulders up for the entirety of 2021. So, you know, without that, people, you don't, you don't get the natural, you know, people realising like, oh, there's something happening in your mid-section or, you know, seeing family as in being like, ta-da I have a bump.