It’s Not His Fault

When your man doesn’t get it. It’s not his fault. He’s just not built in the same way you are. He doesn’t daydream the way you do. It’s not on purpose. He just doesn’t remember significant dates the way you do.

He is programmed in a different way. He doesn’t feel the ebb and flow of a monthly period. He doesn’t get hormonal surges the way you do. He doesn’t have a biological clock and feel every cell in his body screaming at him to have a baby.

Physically, emotionally and mentally men and women are different.

That’s why communication is so important.

He doesn’t understand why you’re so upset when you get your period.

He says, ‘it’ll happen. And if it doesn’t then we’ll do X instead.’ He thinks that he’s helping when he brushes over something and sees the bright side. He’s trying to help by being positive and it’s his way of dealing with it. He can’t fix it. That’s frustrating for him because normally he fixes everything. He feels helpless when he sees you sad or in pain. He wants to help, but he doesn’t know how. This is the first time he hasn’t been able to fix something and he doesn’t know what to say or how to make it better.

He doesn’t get how important it is for you to have your feelings acknowledged and validated.

So let him know.

Tell him. ‘When I get my period, I feel like X and X is what I need.’ Or ‘when you say that it makes me feel like X.’

Get your needs met. Tell him what you need. It might be space, or a hug, permission to be angry, or a conversation without judgement.

Tell him the exact words you want to hear. Teach him.

And ask him what his needs are too. What does he need to be heard, to be understood, to feel loved and supported?

It’s probably completely different from what you need.

I’ve been with my husband for over twenty-three years. In that time the most important skills we’ve learnt together are how to communicate better, to ask for what we need and not to make each other wrong.

We’ve discovered our different love languages. My love language is quality time and my husband’s is acts of service. I need him to put down his mobile phone when I’m talking. I need him to fully listen to what I’m saying. I don’t need presents to feel loved. I need to spend time with him and to have adventures.

Whereas, that’s not so important to him. His love language is acts of service. It’s about taking action, doing tangible things and getting results. He’s practical. He fixes stuff. What’s important to him is totally different for me.

Now we know that, it changes everything. Better communication. More compassion. Deeper support. And more acceptance.

Teach each other to listen, to understand and to meet each other’s needs.