How to communicate with your partner better and get the love you need when you’re struggling to get pregnant

When you first start trying for a baby, it is really exciting because you start having sex for the reason it was invented. Sex becomes not just about pleasure and connection with your partner, it takes on a whole new dimension. Sex becomes about making another little human that is half of you and half of him.

If you don’t get pregnant within a few months, then you start worrying that something is wrong. The excitement fades, the spark fizzles and the lovemaking can turn into a sex schedule.

It is widely recognised that approximately a third of infertility is attributed to women, a third is men and the remaining third is either both partners or it is unknown. However, the practical upshot is that the burden is not equally shared because as women we are the ones that have periods, experience extreme hormone changes, don’t get pregnant, do get pregnant and then have a miscarriage, take IVF drugs, have our eggs extracted and embryos transferred. Regardless of where the pregnancy challenge is, for the most part, all a man has to do is provide some sperm. This is one reason why so many couples experience relationship problems when they are trying for a baby.

You are going through big physical and emotional ups and downs. And it is hard for your partner to totally understand what you are going through. It is easy for communication problems to occur. It is easy to feel unloved and not understood.

This article is for you if you’ve ever wondered:

• Whether he understands what you are going through

• Why he doesn’t do that thing that you really need to feel supported and loved

• Why he doesn’t say the right thing at the right time to make you feel better when you’re feeling sad

• How he can say something that makes you feel even worse when you’re already feeling sad

• If he has stopped loving you or liking you.

If you do what is suggested in this article then it will help you and your partner to:

• Realise when you are showing each other love.

• Understand what you both need to feel loved.

• Get better at communicating what you need to feel loved.

• Spend more intimate, more supported loving time together.

• Have a better, stronger relationship.

Dr Chapman is a councillor who spent 30 years listening to couples and saw patterns in the way that they communicated, needed love and showed love for each other. He translated these patterns into a system known as the five love languages. He has helped millions of couples to understand, communicate and love each other better.

When you are trying for a baby, it is important to focus on the reason you want to have a baby, how much you love each other and make a baby from that place of love.

Whilst you are trying to make a baby, you will need more support, understanding and love from your partner. It is important for him to know what your love language is and how he can show you he loves you, particularly when you are full of hormones and you have just got your period again.

If you want to stop arguments and get closer to your partner, then you need to understand the particular love language that your partner needs. Often the way to figure out his love language is to see how he gives you love at the moment.

The five love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation

If the most important need for you is to be acknowledged and complimented, to be seen for who you are and for what you do, then words of affirmation could be your love language.
For example, “you look beautiful in that new dress” or “I really appreciate you for doing all the washing”, or “I noticed how well you negotiated that deal” or “I love you more than all the stars in the sky”.
Words of affirmation are your love language if you need kind words to make you feel good. You find it hard to forgive someone if they say hurtful words because they wound you deeply.

2. Quality time

If you thrive on undivided attention, then quality time could be your love language. You need that one-on-one time with your partner. When you are together you want to do quality activities and have quality conversations.

You find it hurtful if you don’t get quality time, if a date is postponed, if he is distracted, if he checks his phone or if you feel you are not being listened to.

3. Receiving gifts

If being bought a thoughtful gift makes you feel loved and appreciated, then receiving gifts could be your love language. This does not mean you are materialistic, it means you feel loved by the time, effort and care that has gone into a gift.

You feel appreciated, seen, understood and loved visually in a gift. The gift is a representation of love for you.

You get extremely hurt if your birthday or anniversary is forgotten. And you notice and feel unloved when you are bought a careless, thoughtless gift in a hurry.

4. Acts of service

If you need to feel supported and loved by your partner doing things, then you might speak the love language of acts of service. You feel appreciated when he cooks a meal, cleans your car, or fixes a light. You want to be helped out in any way possible because you are a busy person. You feel loved when your partner does a task for you because you recognise the thought, time and energy that he has spent.

You get hurt if somebody doesn’t do you a favour because it is like saying that they don’t value you as a person. And you don’t like it when people make unnecessary work for you to do.

5. Physical touch

If physical touch is your main love language then you feel loved and safe when you and your partner hug, kiss, hold hands and have sex. You require appropriate physical touch on a regular basis to reaffirm your love. It makes you feel special when your partner returns home and the first thing he does is greet you with a kiss or a hug.

You feel unloved and worry that something is wrong with your relationship if you don’t have regular physical touch.

Your love language

The reality is that most of us need to feel loved in all ways, however, it is likely that you will have a dominant and a secondary love language. And so will your partner.

Right now, find out what love language you speak and need. I encourage you to take the quiz and get your partner to take the quiz too.

Start thinking about how you can show him you love him in his main love language. And ask him to do the same for you.

See how this changes your relationship, particularly at those difficult times in the month when you get your period or you are feeling low. Notice how your partner is supporting you and showing you he loves you in his love language. Focus on increasing your love for each other and this will help you to make a baby out of a deep, beautiful and loving place.

My love language

Knowing about love languages has been a game-changer for me. I now get it when my husband asks me to do stuff, like buy some milk or clean my hair from the shower. It’s not that he is nagging me to do stuff, he needs to feel loved in my actions and acts of service. I am now much happier to serve in this way because I understand him better.

My love language is quality time, which explains why I am a coach and therapist. I am in my element when I am in that quality, uninterrupted time with a person. I need that quality time with my husband in order to feel fully loved. He has learnt to listen in a focussed way, and this has made me feel more cherished.